Postpartum Depression is Balls

Everything went wonderful. The pregnancy was far more enjoyable this time around. The labor and delivery were actually delightful; it went just how I wanted. Mya sleeps better than any newborn should. She nurses well and is gaining weight. Sophie is adjusting to being a big sister very well. I couldn’t ask for a more helpful husband.

So why does this all feel like a cruel joke?

Due to marital issues, the majority of my last pregnancy was spent crying. Once Sophie was born, the crying continued, as I tried to take care of her myself. I blamed that postpartum depression on the lack of support.

I’m an overachiever, it’s what I do. I want to try something new, I do well at it, then continue until it is “perfect” in my eyes. I simply dismissed the idea of PPD this time around. It wouldn’t happen. I had a husband who contributed, I’d already had a newborn before (and a high-needs one at that), I could do this.

I should have known better. Having depression run in my family, dealing with depression earlier in life, and already having PPD once before – all made it a pretty good chance I’d deal with it again.

I thought I was doing pretty darn good. I didn’t feel sad, I didn’t have uncontrollable urges to cry.

I also didn’t realize that I spend 12-13 hours in bed. I’m snippy, I can feel myself get irritated at things that wouldn’t have bothered me before. I don’t want to be around people. It’s safe to say that Sophie and I have lived in pajamas for the past month. I’m pretty sure I don’t eat enough, because I just don’t want to go upstairs and get food.

Yesterday I wanted to sit on the couch and relax, and Sophie asked for a snack. That’s all. It is absolutely absurd that asking for a snack would stress me out, but it did.

Having lived with depression/bipolar disorder, I know how to handle my mood dips. I go outside, I soak up the sun. I take Sophie on walks to the park. I play piano. …all things that I can’t do right now. Yay winter.

I plan to ask my Midwife for helpful ideas at my appointment next week. There are two things that just won’t fly. 1- a lot of time away from my kids. 2- medication.

I love my family, and know you just get concerned out of love… but if you tell me to take happy pills, I’ll smack you. I don’t even take Sudafed while I nurse, because EVERYTHING I ingest goes into Mya. I won’t stop breastfeeding just to start pills either.

So I don’t ignore you because I don’t love you, I just don’t feel like dealing with people. Denny is a wonderful support, and if I’m lucky it will go away sooner rather than later. I’m not always down, it just comes in spurts. So don’t worry (even though I know my mom will anyways).

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