Bittersweet, Goodbye Breastfeeding

Most people are well aware of the fact that I am crunchy/granola/hippie/whatever.
I also adore breastfeeding.
It is a special bond that only I ever get to share with my babies.
When I was pregnant with Mya, I was prepared for the PPD that was inevitable. 
I told myself that my goal was to nurse her to at least 18 months, like I did with Sophie.
Every 6 months I would reevaluate and make sure that I was still mentally/emotionally well enough to stay off of medication.
It was much worse than I was prepared for.
So much so, that I now have a crippling fear of the PPD I will face after we have more children.
9 months after I had Mya, I caved.
I was started on 50 mg of Zoloft.
It helped.
For a while.
A few weeks later it wasn’t doing squat. 
Upped to 100 mg.
Still nothing.
All the while I have tried to “fix” myself.
Getting sunlight
Eating healthier
Keeping a journal
Drinking red raspberry leaf tea
Taking fish oil & D3
Actually making myself shower and get dressed each day
and so on.
The point is, I gave everything I had to make sure that I could continue to nurse Mya.
Slowly I’ve been starting to detach her from the boob.
Instead of offering it to her, I would wait until she asked.
Today I have been offering her cows milk instead.
She hasn’t fussed at all.
I am delighted and depressed all at once.
This is great because I can now start taking St Johns Wort instead of Zoloft.
This is awful because I love nursing her.
I love waking up and finding her sprawled across me and already latched on.
I love that I supply her with nutrients and antibodies that keep her healthy and strong.
I will be mourning our breastfeeding relationship as it ends.

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