Disclaimer: this post is literally about shoving a little person out of my vagina.
If you are squeamish, just move along.
So remember that squatter I had living in my uterus?
I finally got him out.
My last midwife appointment was on the 22nd.
Even with 2 months of contractions, I was still at a measly 2 cm.
Jean (midwife) was sure that we could kick him out naturally, and told me to come back in the morning.
Tuesday, July 23rd we had a mission: evict the tiny squatter.
The car was loaded up with all the birth supplies.
The children were dropped off with their aunt.
Then the husband and I headed to Inanna.
I had been having steady contractions since 6:00 AM, but they died off in the car.
Jean assured me that the contractions were doing their work, because I was already 4 cm.
She swept my membranes (holy ouch), and shoved a handful of EPO capsules up my cervix.
Being manhandled was worth it, because my contractions instantly went back to every 5 minutes.
I was sent off to use my breast pump for 30 minutes.
Contractions stayed strong.
Walked around Wal-Mart for an hour.
Back at the birth center.
“Are you contracting?” – Jean
“Every 4 – 5 minutes.” – Me
“Do they hurt?”
Manhandled once more, and found to be at 6 cm.
I cranked up Pandora on my phone and started doing laps around the birth room.
Contractions didn’t hurt near as much, so long as I kept moving.
All this time I was able to stay pretty up-beat.
In between contractions I messed around on my phone and chatted with the birth assistant.
Denny asks if I need/want anything, but I just leave him to fiddle on his laptop.
Contractions are 1 – 2 minutes apart.
Slightly more difficult to keep my sunny disposition.
At some point during this hour, my eyes shut, and didn’t really open again.
Denny had to assist me in my laps, if only to keep me from running into furniture.
I felt insanely tired, and I’m fairly certain I fell asleep leaning against him several times.
Leaning over one of the little window seats, I rested as best I could.
Denny continued to apply counter-pressure and I concentrated on deep breathing.
(he was pro at the pressure, my lower back is still bruised)
Leslie and Britt showed up.
Pain kept getting worse.
Jean gave me the option of breaking my water.
Leslie kindly reminded me that I could decline.
I don’t think I could have handled the added intensity, so I passed.
(At this point I lost all track of time.)
The magical birth tub was nearly full.
Sophie and Mya were dropped off.
I climbed into the tub as quickly as possible.
Mya sat on the edge and snuggled me as I enjoyed a few moments of dulled pain.
Very suddenly, everything changed.
Up until this point, I was doing very well with the contractions.
I did my breathing, and it helped.
The pressure was so intense that it actually forced me up on to my knees in the tub.
Someone grabbed Mya away as I crumpled up in the water.
Not proud to say it, but I totally lost my shit.
It felt like an eternity, but Denny assures me that I was only crazy for a few minutes.
Jean came in and instructed me to brace my feet up against the tub.
Since I felt like pushing, she checked my cervix during the next contraction.
9 cm, still a bit of cervix.
I thought I was going to die.
I couldn’t push yet?
Clearly, these people wanted me to die.
Ever seen The Exorcist? Where she folds herself in half backwards?
That was me.
I had to do something to get away from my uterus.
Throwing myself out of the tub seemed like a logical option.
Jean told me to go ahead and push.
In all the birth stories, everyone says they get relief from pushing.
Since I couldn’t hurl myself out of the tub, I then tried closing my legs and rolling away.
At one point someone held my leg down.
My eyes had been closed this entire time, and no more than a few minutes passed.
Mya was crying somewhere in the room.
Several people were telling me that I had to push now.
I was getting overheated in the water.
With 2 or 3 more contractions and several loud wails, he was born.
I opened my eyes to grab a very small and slippery person out of the water.
He was perfect.
After the cord stopped pulsing, it was cut.
Someone took Finn, and Jean helped me out of the tub.
Somewhere in the room I heard Denny cracking jokes about them killing me.
Mya was still crying.
Someone hurried out of the room.
Then that blasted smelling salt.
Placenta was delivered.
Mya crawled into the bed to snuggle me.
Sophie went back to watching her dvd player.
Finn went right to nursing.
We had subway for lunch.
The birth assistant poked and prodded me every few minutes.
Mya stripped down naked and tried to climb in the tub.
Lots of fun.
It was less than 5 hours from having my membranes swept to giving birth.
We were home by dinner time.
Sophie went off to her first swimming lesson.
Mya plopped on the couch to watch Curious George.
Finn and I took a nap.
Talk about an eventful day.
Finn Ulric Schlaikjer
Tues. July 23rd
8 lbs 9 oz